A Foolish Decision??

The past few days had been quite hectic for me.. Was in real need of time.. But finally, things are over now.. Time again for some reflection..

Was rushing for my programming assignment for the past few days.. Actually, I only started on Sunday.. Had to hand it in on Monday by 5pm.. Thought I have everything planned out, so I didn't really get down to it until Sunday.. That was a very wrong decision.. Encountered a lot of problems along the way when I finally got down to it.. In the end, I had to rush through it on Sunday as well as the whole of Monday.. Luckily, I managed to hand it in on time.. Blame it on my lack of motivation and my abundance of laziness.. Told myself I will try to work on it way before the deadline, but this never occurred.. Must really dispose of my laziness and start doing things way before the deadline.. A thought to remember..

Besides the assignment, I also did a lot of thinking on my thoughts and feelings.. Really hope to come to terms with my own feelings.. I guess at this point of time, I have made a choice, albeit subconsciously.. Although I haven't really come to terms with my feelings in reality, I guess my subconscious mind has already made the decision for me.. I guess this time round, I will trust my subconscious mind.. Hopefully this time round my subconscious mind will make the correct decision for me.. With this thought in mind, I guess my heart will be with a single girl from now on.. In addition to this, I have also made a decision for myself.. Could be a foolish decision though.. Will talk more about this decision later..

Over the past few days, my mind went through a lot of thinking.. A lot of things seemed clearer now.. Came into contact with an avalanche of emotions, be it good or bad.. I guess I will try to elaborate on each of the feelings.. This way, I will feel more relieved to get all this load off my shoulders.. Being a person who prefers sweetness at the end of pain, I guess I will start off with the hurtful emotions..

Was in high spirits after the Karaoke session with ShwuYun.. But 2 days later, I found out something that actually sent me into a downward spiral to depression.. Perhaps depression is too strong a word to be used here, but this word was the closest to what I felt at that time.. I found out that ShwuYun already has someone in her heart.. Or so I thought.. Couldn't really confirm, but from the looks of it, it seemed so to me.. Chose to believe this was true at that moment in time.. Got myself into a state of depression because of this.. Couldn't believe this is happening to me again.. How many times must Fate play such tricks on me?? How many times must I fall in love with a girl, and find out that she already has someone in her heart?? I couldn't believe this.. Why is this happening to me time and again?? When will this stop?? All these thoughts raced through my mind.. Usually, when I'm in such a state of melancholy, I will try to sing some songs to bring peace to my heart.. Most of the time, I will channel these depressing feelings to a melancholic song.. Strangely, sometimes I don't mind having such melancholic feelings, as it makes me sing with more emotions.. In fact, I do adore such feelings at times (I know it sounds crazy that I like the feeling of melancholy, but this is true).. But this time round, things seemed so different.. I detest this feeling of melancholy.. I would rather exchange this chance to inject emotions into my songs with her heart.. Have I really fallen for her?? But I know very well that there is nothing I can do.. With this thought, I have no choice but to put this feeling into a song.. I chose the song "The Cape Of Storms" by Hyde to express my feelings.. This song is about lost love, which was, I guess, very appropriate.. This is the only song so far whereby I managed to inject so much melancholy into the song.. This song by itself is melancholic, so I had no problems bringing out the melancholy in the song.. I guess this is my best attempt at a melancholic song.. I guess my feelings for her is really so strong that actually made me so melancholic..

Now for the positive emotions I've experienced for the past few days.. After attempting to sing some rock songs by L'Arc~en~Ciel, albeit some unintelligible words (cause they were singing in Japanese, and I don't know Japanese, so I just sing along with my own words), I found out that my vocal range has increased.. Now I can reach higher notes, notes which I thought I could never reached.. A very encouraging thought.. In addition to this, I guess I've got my feelings sorted out.. At this point of time, I don't see the need to keep 'F''s name under wraps anymore.. Yea, for those who have been reading my blog, I guess you all know who she is by now.. She is Fang Hui.. Being caught between Fang Hui and ShwuYun put my heart under torture for quite some time.. But I guess my mind is made up now.. I have to devote to a single girl.. And I guess this girl will be ShwuYun.. I feel very sorry towards Fang Hui.. But I guess the times I spent with her will only have to go down in my mind as part of my memories.. From now on, I have decided to give my heart to ShwuYun.. With the current decision, I know I'm on my way to another heartbreak.. But after thinking things through, I guess I will just have to give this a try, regardless of whatever little chance I may have.. I am going to make this firm decision of devoting myself to her.. I am really jaded with the prospects of falling for another girl.. I would like to experience the feeling of devotion to a single girl.. And this girl will be ShwuYun..

Really could not get her voice out of my mind.. Her voice is just so beautiful.. I know this is again a subjective issue.. But to me, she has the perfect voice I'm looking for.. Perhaps I like her voice because her beautiful voice is something which I myself lack, or so I thought.. Her beautiful voice makes up for my imperfection.. I am really attracted to her voice.. But besides her voice, I like everything else about her.. Her smile, her personality, her height (she's around the same height as me, around 1.7m I guess), and most importantly, the feelings I have for her.. At this moment of time, at last count, I have listened to our duet together on my MP3 player for a whopping 60 times.. 60 times in 3 days?? Unbelievable.. I guess I'm really in love with her.. This song brings back the memories I had with her on that very day.. So I tend to listen to it every night before I sleep.. I guess my feelings for her is here to stay, barring any unforeseen circumstances..

I guess I have made my decision.. Maybe a foolish one (to devote to a single girl who has feelings for someone else).. But a decision I hope I can keep to.. Hopefully I will see some light at the end of this.. Wish me luck.. For now, I will have to devote my time to studying for my exams.. Wish me luck again..