Self-denial.. Again???

Nothing much to do for the past few days.. As such, I began to think over a lot of things, especially my feelings.. I guess I got myself into a state of self-denial again.. Knowing that things will most likely not go well for me and ShwuYun, I tried to remove her from my thoughts, as well as my heart.. To a certain extent, I guess I was quite convinced I could do that.. Until last night, that is..

I was so convinced that I could get her out of my mind.. But last night, I found out that I could not.. No matter how I tried not to think about her, I ended up doing what I set out not to do in the first place.. I know the chances of us being together is virtually zero, but I'm really not able to give her up just like that.. I guess I've fallen too deep..

I've done what I think I could have done, with the exception of telling her about my feelings for her.. I tried to create opportunities for myself.. I've asked her if she's interested in joining Impresario with me, and she said she's fine with that.. Things weren't going well when she told me she could not make it for the audition if we were scheduled on the first day.. With this, we could have prayed for us to be scheduled on the second day.. But, I decided not to leave this to fate.. I decided to create my own chances.. I made a request to the organising committee for them to schedule us on the second day, and my request was granted.. But how wrong I was, thinking that I could finally escape from the control of fate.. A few minutes ago, ShwuYun told me she caught a very serious cold, and so she wouldn't be able to recover in time for the competition.. At that instant, I finally realized that no matter what I do, I could not escape from my fate.. Chances can be created, but ultimately, the outcome will be determined by fate.. I guess this is something I could not deny.. Is fate telling me that me and ShwuYun cannot be together?? I don't know.. But up to this point in time, I'm not going to give up yet.. I'm not going to give up until I'm very sure that there is zero chance of us being together.. The only consolation I have now is that ShwuYun is willing to give another shot at Impresario with me again next year.. If this is really going to happen next year, I'm very sure I'll give a much better performance.. I hope by next year, I would have improved my vocals by much more than I am at this very moment.. I am constantly trying to improve myself, and I do hope I can see the results if we were to take part again next year..

I guess I really can't go against my fate.. With this happening, I've learnt to accept my fate.. But I still believe that chances can be created.. Ultimately, fate will decide the outcome.. But if done correctly, chances can compliment fate.. Am I blabbering nonsense again?? I'm not sure.. But this is really what I think.. At least at this very moment in time.. I guess the best avenue to channel my feelings now is writing my song.. I guess I'm around 80% done with the song.. I'm quite satisfied with it at this moment, cause it is really a true reflection of what I'm feeling now.. I hope it will turn out well after it is completed..