Confused.. Confused.. Confused...

I guess I'm in a better condition now to reflect on what happened yesterday.. But on the other hand, I guess I haven't got any real answers yet.. Whatever it is, I'll try to keep my feelings as true to myself as possible..

After going out with Fang Hui yesterday, I realized something: My feelings for her is still there, just that it is being locked up somewhere deep in my heart.. Perhaps I was in a state of self-denial all this while.. Believing that someone better will come along the way if things don't go too well.. Maybe that's why I was able to move on so quickly.. Perhaps locking up my feelings was my way of getting over someone.. But I guess this was not such a good way after all.. I'm just trying to deny myself.. Deny my feelings..

I guess I do have feelings for her after all.. Up till this very day, I still can't understand why I could give her up in the first place.. Perhaps it's because I felt that things are not going well.. Hence I decided to give her up quickly so that the pain will be lessen.. But after all that has happened, I guess I'm back to where I've started.. I felt that I have gone in a big circle, and now I'm back to where I was before..

What happens to JL then?? If I have gotten back my feelings for Fang Hui, what will happen to JL then?? Frankly speaking, I'm not too sure myself.. This is the first time I'm having such a strange feeling.. I've always thought that once I've decided to give someone up, I'll never have feelings for her again.. I was so confident of this.. Until now... I never knew that deep inside my heart, such feelings were being locked up.. Only to be released when the time comes.. This is really bad.. Now, I can't really trust my feelings.. At least not at this moment.. Cause I'm really confused..

Upon reflection, I found out why my feelings for Fang Hui has been rekindled.. Firstly, I feel very comfortable when I'm with Fang Hui.. We seemed to be able to chat on a lot of things.. While walking around with her yesterday, we were chatting for most of the time, being oblivious to our surroundings.. She is also one of the few girls who I can sustain a conversation with.. I just don't know why.. It just happens to be so..

Secondly, she has matured a lot since I last met up with her.. Her thinking has matured and she is no longer the wilful (in her own words) girl that people used to think she is.. In fact she has matured to such a point that I feel that I'm so immature standing beside her.. I guess her maturity has drawn me closer to her..

Thirdly, it is just something that I can't explain.. I guess it's just my pure feelings.. Somehow, I'm just drawn to her.. Enough said..

I guess I'm still in a confused state of mind.. Pardon me if I've said anything that sounds illogical.. Cause I still can't find the correct answer to the numerous questions in my mind.. I guess I'm just a lost soul.. But whatever it is, I still can't forget the very last scene before we parted ways.. Although we were going on different MRTs, we were still chatting while waiting for the MRT.. I guess both of us missed a few MRTs while we were chatting (maybe it was also because the MRT was crowded).. But whatever it is, I suddenly felt like grabbing hold of every second left to talk with her.. To me, this is a beautiful scene.. Pardon me, for glorifying such a simple scene..

I guess I've lost myself again.. I wanted to stop myself from being lost in such situations.. But I guess in the end, I was defeated.. I tried my best not to look straight into her eyes when I was talking to her (I'm not trying to be rude here), knowing very well that I will falter if I do that.. But in the end, I can't control myself.. I guess my will was gone at that instance..

Whatever it is, I need time to sort things out.. I guess my best course of action now is to let nature take its course.. Guess I shouldn't do anything now.. Not until I'm very sure of my feelings.. Yea.. I guess that's what I should do..