Should I?? Or should I not??

Should I?? Or should I not?? That is the question I've been asking myself.. Yea.. What I'm referring to is whether I should attempt to ask 'F' out again.. Although I know very well that now should not be the time to think of this (cause I have a mathematics quiz tomorrow), the question keeps appearing in my mind.. Don't worry.. I know when to concentrate on my studies, and when to think of such things.. So I would let such thinkings affect my studies (hopefully)..

Found out that 'F' has been quite busy these few days.. That's why I'm so hesitant about asking her out.. Besides, our examinations are coming soon.. Not sure if I would be disturbing her at this point of time.. As I'm typing this post, 'F' is online at MSN.. Really tempted to ask her if she's free.. But on second thoughts, maybe not.. Not sure if I'm missing out on an opportunity, but I guess I wouldn't ask her for now..

Again, being so unpredictable, I'm also not sure what I might do tomorrow.. Who knows, I might attempt to ask her out, or maybe I might just leave things as it is now.. Whatever it is, I will only find out tomorrow.. For now, I think I'll just go to bed and hopefully catch a much-awaited sleep..

Finally.. Some time for reflection...

Here I am, sitting in a comfortable corner of NTU's library, typing my post using my i-book.. No lessons at the moment.. My next lesson is at 5:30pm.. Thought I should update my blog now, since I really need a break..

The last few days had been very hectic for me.. Paying dearly for my own devices.. Was trying my best to complete my programming assignment, which should have been done during my 1 week break, and not at the last minute.. However, as things stand as it is now, I've finally managed to complete my assignment just on time, with some help from my classmates.. Will I learn from my lesson?? I'll never know.. Hopefully I will...

Finally, a little time for some self-reflection.. Things are still fine at the moment.. Except the last few days, whereby I was very busy.. Thought I should do some reflection on some of the things that happened to me recently.. I guess I'm quite lucky to be able to perform on stage last Wednesday.. I was originally not selected for the performance, but somehow I was involved in the end.. After the quite successful performance last Wednesday, I was informed last Friday that there will be another performance coming up on the 19th of October.. Our Geyong leader, Huiqi, asked me if I'm interested in taking part.. Although I know it'll be quite strange to see me on stage again in such a short space of time, I would not want to let go of any chances to gain more stage experience.. Therefore, I told her I'm interested in taking part.. Come to think of it, Huiqi has so far given me 2 chances to perform on stage.. She was the one who SMSed me to ask me if I was interested to take part in last Wednesday's performance, just when I thought I was not selected.. Now, she is giving me the chance again to take part in another performance.. To this, I must really thank her for giving me so many chances.. I will give my best in the performance..

On to a more emotional topic.. As I've mentioned in my last post, I feel that 'F' and I are drifting further apart.. Not because we were very close to each other in the past.. It's just that I don't get to see her so often now.. The last time I saw her was a few weeks ago.. With close to zero chance of meeting up with her, I'm starting to feel that she is slowly drifting away from me.. And there is nothing I can do.. Feel like asking her out again, but really at a lost as to how to breach the subject.. Really feel that nothing is going to come out of this if things remain this way.. Really hope to start building things up from the very bottom level as friends.. But without any chance to meet up with her, there is not even a chance to start as friends, let alone opportunities for development.. As such, I'm really lost as to what is the next step I should take.. Hopefully time will provide me with an answer as the days go by..

Well.. I guess that's all I want to put down for today.. Let me just pray for the best.. Yea..

Geyong.. A definite part of my life...

Went to the Mid-Autumn Festival carnival in NTU with Gun Kiat yesterday.. Played same games at the carnival and sat down to watch some performances there too.. However, my main purpose there was to watch the performance by 3 of the members from our Geyong..

The performance by them started at around 8:50pm.. All 3 of them took turns to sing a song each.. Their performance was great, cause all 3 of them are good singers, with lots of potential.. However, I feel things would have been better if they were not so nervous.. I say this because I've seen them reach greater heights during the rehearsals.. But overall, it was a great performance by them..

At this point of time, Geyong has become a definite part of my life.. Geyong has given me what I've always been looking for in life: The chance to work with music, and also the chance to perform in front of people.. Since young, I've had this dream.. The dream of singing to people, with the hope of touching their heart and driving away their sorrows with my song.. I know this is quite unrealistic, but as said, this is a long-term dream of mine..

Besides having the chance to indulge in music, Geyong has also given me the chance to know more friends.. During the rehearsals, friendships were forged among all of us who took part in the different performances.. The times we spent together during the rehearsals were truly memorable.. One guy worth special mention is Qi Chuan, the guy who accompanied me on the guitar during my performance.. A wonderful guitar player.. After talking to him for some time during our rehearsals together, I suddenly have this feeling that we know each other for quite some time.. He is one of the few whom I can sustain a conversation with, cause we have a common topic: Guitars.. Besides that, there seems to exist a magical connection between us.. To be frank, we didn't really rehearse the song too many times.. The first time we practised together, we seem to connect instantly.. He was able to adapt to my singing, and I was able to adapt to his guitar-playing.. We managed quite a decent attempt on our first practice.. Strange.. It seemed that we can work very well together.. I guess it's because he's such a wonderful guitar player..

Geyong has also provided me an avenue to keep my mind away from thinking of 'F'.. Although it is only a short-term solution, I guess it's better than nothing at all.. At least it stops me from thinking too much into the fact that 'F' seems to be drifting away from me..

In short, joining Geyong is something I wouldn't regret.. Yea..

Still on my mind..

'F' is still on my mind.. There is no denying that.. I can't help myself either.. She is constantly on my mind.. Even though I try not to think about her.. I guess I'm falling deeper and deeper into this unknown future..

Can't help but wonder: What really attracted me to her?? This question keeps going through my mind, yet I could not really give a definite answer.. I guess I'm attracted to her because I feel comfortable with her.. It is a feeling which I could not describe.. I guess I'm attracted to her because of this special feeling.. But if you ask me if she has any physical features that really appeal to me, I would no doubt say it is her eyes.. Yea..

Nothing much else to write for now.. Still filling in the lyrics to the song I'm writing for her.. I've decided to use the melody that first came to my mind when I decided to write a song for her.. Thought it was not good enough at first, but somehow, I decided to use it cause it has what I'm looking for.. Confused at what I'm saying?? Yea.. Me too.. I guess this melody is just destined for this song..

I have a small request here.. For those who know me, can you guys leave me a message or something on my tagboard, so that I know you guys are visiting my blog?? Cause I'm just curious who actually reads my blog.. Thanks a lot..

A Great Performance..

Finally, the day has arrived.. Took part in the performance for CEE Week today.. Was very excited cause I'll be singing on stage again, after a long, long break of 5 years.. Was feeling very nervous even before the actual performance started..

Met up wih the rest of the guys performing at around 12pm.. Our time slot for the performance was scheduled at 12:30pm, but the group before us, a jam band, started their performance late.. In the end, they started their performance at 12:30pm, and so our performance was pushed back until they finish theirs.. Not really a bad thing though, cause we used whatever time we have to warm up our voices..

Our performance finally started at around 1pm.. The first group to go on stage was our seniors.. Put up a great performance.. Next in line was me.. Although there were not really a lot of people there, I was nevertheless still feeling quite nervous.. My item consists of Qi Chuan playing the guitar and me singing the song "Tong Hua".. After giving a brief introduction of ourselves, Qi Chuan got the song going by playing the intro to the song.. At this point of time, I encountered a serious problem.. While I was preparing to sing, my voice seemed to be stuck in my throat.. As the intro approaches the end, I was still trying to get my voice out of my throat.. Soon, I have to start singing the song.. I thought to myself: Oh no, please don't let my voice jam in my throat at this crucial moment.. Then again, I thought: Heck, I just have to start singing.. Hopefully my voice will be out of my throat.. From there, I started my song..

When I started singing, my voice actually came out crystal-clear.. I'm quite surprised myself.. Cause my voice has not been in the best condition these few weeks, and so I was expecting a rough edge to my voice.. However, things were not that way.. Instead, my voice today was crystal-clear, something which seemed to have eluded me for some time, until today.. After overcoming the initial hiccup, I finally got into the feel of the song.. As the song progresses, I actually felt more and more comfortable with the song.. Even to the extent of thinking that this will be my best attempt at this song so far.. Step-by-step, I got myself into the song.. After singing the song, I was quite satisfied with my own performance, cause my voice was crystal-clear, the feel was there, and I managed to hit the high notes without a problem..

One thing stood out from my singing today: I was actually able to focus more on bringing my feeling across, rather than on the lyrics of the song.. Usually, I would be more preoccupied with getting the lyrics correct, and maybe missed out on bringing my feelings across.. But most of the time, preople say that I managed to put my feelings in my song.. Maybe I was doing that subconsciously.. But today, I was actually putting my feelings across consciously.. When I got into the feel of the song, my mind actually wandered off to somewhere else.. I have to admit this: I was thinking of 'F'.. I was painting a picture of the lyrics in my mind, with 'F' inside the picture.. Really want to say this to 'F' (even if I know she would not see this): This song is sung with you in mind.. You gave me the feel to this song.. Maybe that's why I could bring my feelings across today.. With her encouragement yesterday (and not forgetting encouragement from my friends, such as David), I think I sang the song to the best of my abilities.. Singing this song can be quite stressful.. Besides the difficulty of the song, I also have to remember that this song has been sung by many others, and so there would bound to be comparisons.. But I guess I gave my own rendition of the song today, in my own style.. So I don't really care about comparisions.. I feel I have done my best..

Overall, the performance was a great one.. The other members who took part were outstanding.. Really enjoyed watching them from the audience seat.. Our whole performance ended at around 2pm.. After which, I went to Funan to get some stuff for my i-book before going home..

Joining "Geyong" was a very correct decision.. It has all the things I wanted in a CCA.. Chance to sing, chance to know more about music, chance to learn composing, chance to play the guitar, chance to perform.. Everything which I would have wished for.. Everything which I enjoy.. Yea..

Tomorrow is 'The Day'..

Tomorrow is the day for the CEE Week performance.. Really excited and nervous, cause it's going to be my first public performance since 5 years back.. Although I relish the chance of singing on stage, I can't help but feel nervous cause it's been so long since I last sang on a stage.. Really hope things will turn out fine tomorrow..

Just got my i-book yesterday.. Buying a laptop was not in my original plan, but with countless Java programs to write each week, I guess I have to invest in one in order to facilitate myself in writing my programs in school.. Didn't really expect myself to get an i-book, cause it does not operate on Windows platform.. But after Fang Hui recommended it to me (she also got herself one), I decided to take a closer look.. After comparing its specifications and price with other laptops available, I finally decided to get myself an i-book.. Today, I managed to configure the network settings on my i-book so that I can tap into NTU's wireless network.. This will enable me to access the Internet when I'm in school..

Back to the performance tomorrow.. Finally pluck up my courage to ask 'F' if she can come and give me her support tomorrow.. Although I finally decided to ask her, I kind of expected her to not be able to make it, cause the performance is at the odd timing of 12:30pm, where most people will be having lessons.. True enough, she has a lecture at 12:30pm tomorrow.. Although she cannot make it, she did give me her encouragement.. I will keep her encouragement close to my heart tomorrow.. Hopefully things will go smoothly tomorrow..

Let me pray for the best...

Friends Forever..

School starts again today after the 1 week break.. I think I'm starting to get my momentum back.. Have to finish up my assignments by this week.. I guess I can concentrate better on my assignments in school, compared to at home.. Being preoccupied with work, the feeling of loneliness is somewhat lessen..

Received a very long message from David yesterday.. He read my previous post, and decided to assure me that our friendship will never change.. Gave me some encouragement too.. With my feeling of loneliness lessen, together with his assurance, I'm feeling much better now.. To David: Thanks a lot.. I'm very confident that our friendship will never change..

For today, I would like to say this to my best friends: Yea.. Don't worry.. I'm fine now.. Just want to tell you guys: We are friends forever!! Although we may not always be there physically for each other, we will always be there for one another mentally..

Friends Forever!! Cheers!! Yea..

All of a sudden.. I feel so lost...

Went out with Gun Kiat, Weiming and Bernard today.. Met up with Bernard and Gun Kiat at 11am to sing KTV at K-Box Cineleisure.. Sang all the way till around 2:30pm.. Weiming came at around 2pm.. After the singing session, we made our way to Plaza Singapura..

Gun Kiat and Bernard had to leave early, while Weiming is meeting up with his girlfriend (Let me recall: Her name is Jingwen).. Was originally meeting David at around 4pm, but since everyone is leaving, we decided to meet up with him another day.. All of us decided to stay and chat with Weiming until his girlfriend arrive.. When she finally came, we took some time for introduction before leaving soon after (Hey.. Who needs extra people when going on a date?? Yea.. Just kidding).. Soon, all of us parted ways cause we're all going different ways.. For me, I went down to City Hall to get my guitar string.. Went home after that..

All of a sudden, I feel so lost.. Everyone seems so preoccupied with their own stuff.. Studies seem to be on everybody's mind.. Looks like I'm the only one slacking away.. Need to buck up soon.. Actually, I feel lost not only because of this.. It seems that everything is not the same as before..

As time goes by, everyone seems too busy to meet up with one another.. In addition, one by one, my best friends are getting attached.. First is Weiming, and David will most probably be the second.. Who will be the next in line?? Suddenly, I feel so lonely.. Maybe that's why I feel so lost.. Really feel like talking to someone, yet I could not find anyone to talk to.. Everyone is so busy.. Don't worry guys, I'm just expressing my thoughts.. I'll be fine once I get through this phase of my life..

Has been listening to Savage Garden's "Santa Monica" these few days.. Quite an old song, but a song that just sound so melancholic and full of emotions.. Coincidentally, this song is about loneliness.. A sentence in this song accurately sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.. "I never felt so lonely, never felt so out of place".. Yea, this sentence fully expresses how I feel now..

Went on a rollercoaster of emotions on my way back today.. Listened to Savage Garden's songs on my way back.. As I listened to their songs, my feelings went from melancholic to lonely to full of hope.. "Two beds and a coffee machine" brought me to a state of melancholy; "Santa Monica" brought me to a state of loneliness; while "Truly, madly, deeply" brought me to a state of hope.. But I guess I'm still full of hope at the moment, just a little lonely..

Can't help but wonder: why am I feeling this way?? I'm always quite comfortable with keeping to myself.. But now, things seem to be so different.. After some reflection, I think I found the answer.. I guess things around me are affecting how I feel.. But most importantly, I think 'F' is the main reason why I'm feeling this way..

I guess 'F' has totally taken over my heart.. Although I've said some time ago that it's very difficult to change a person's personality, I think I'm being affected by 'F' in some ways.. When you love someone, you will also like things which that person likes.. I guess I understand what that means now.. 'F' likes English songs, and now I'm also beginning to appreciate English songs.. All the while, I'm more into Chinese songs.. I'm quite sure it is a difficult task to change my likings.. But if someone is able to make me experience changes, then I guess she must mean a lot to me.. And the only girl so far who has the ability to induce a change in me is 'F'.. To 'F' (Although I don't think she'll see this): I concede defeat.. Much as I would like to put up a fight.. I couldn't... I've lost.. My heart.. To you...

Which may be why I'm feeling so lost now.. Cause my future with her is still a big unknown at the moment.. Yet, she already mean so much to me.. I can't imagine what would happen if things don't turn out well between us.. Yea.. I'm so lost now.. Really at a lost as to what to do.. I'm putting in too much of my feelings into this unknown future.. Really, really afraid of losing everything in an instant.. Perhaps this is why I feel so lonely and lost at the moment..

Feel so much better after voicing out my thoughts.. Don't worry.. Time will tell what will happen.. Hopefully by then I'll have enough courage to face up to what awaits me.. I wouldn't fall so easily.. I'll put in my best effort.. Wish me luck...

Final Rehearsal..

Went for the final rehearsal yesterday, before the actual performance this coming Wednesday.. Went back to school at 5pm yesterday for the rehearsal.. The whole rehearsal lasted until 8:30pm.. Went home for dinner after that..

Learnt a lot of things during the rehearsal.. Managed to find out the flaws which I have when I'm on stage.. Was told by the seniors that I tend to "waltz" around when I'm singing.. Need to change this bad habit of mine before the actual day of performance.. We managed to do a trial-run of the whole sequence, song-by-song..

After singing my song, one of my seniors, Weilin, asked me a question.. She asked me whether I have a girlfriend.. I then told her I don't have a girlfriend.. After that, she told me that if I have a girlfriend, she will be very touched by my rendition of "Tong Hua" (I'm not trying to inflate my own ego here, but this is really what she told me).. At this point of time, I thought to myself: If 'F' is able to come support me on that day, will she be touched by me?? Then, I think again: I don't even have the courage to ask her if she can come and support me.. How is she going to be touched by my singing?? Furthermore, she may not be free on that day.. At the thought of this, I couldn't help but feel so helpless..

Hopefully things will go smoothly that day.. Really hope to sing the song well on that day, cause it's not an easy song to sing.. On top of all this, I really hope 'F' can come and give me her support..

Is this a good trait??

Chatted with 'F' over MSN yesterday.. Although it was a short casual chat, it was better than nothing at all.. At least I finally took the initiative to chat with her.. Found out that she's very busy for the whole of this week.. Well.. Guess that means there's no chance of meeting up with her for this week.. Decided not to do anything to disturb her already-packed schedule..

After much reflection, I discovered a trait in me that went as far as 8 years back.. Although I came to know of its existence some time ago, I couldn't really confirm it until recently.. Now I'm very sure this is a distinctive trait of mine.. The trait I'm talking about is being committed to only 1 girl each time.. Yea.. I found out that once I'm committed to a girl, I will not let any other girls into my guarded territory.. This means that once I've truly fallen in love with a girl, I will not consider other girls anymore.. At that moment of time, even the most beautiful girl will mean nothing to me.. In my eyes, they will be just ordinary.. I'm not sure if this is a good trait or not, cause this is a very subjective issue.. Some might say that it is a good trait, cause this means that I would remain true to 1 girl and not be attracted by others.. However, others may argue that I will be giving up possible relationships along the way, and I would have nothing to fall back on if this girl doesn't like me.. Personally, if you ask me, I would consider this trait of mine as a good one..

Yet, this trait was the one that had me committed to the very first girl I fell in love with 8 years ago.. I was so committed to her for 5 years.. However, everything came falling down in just a second.. After that, I begin to wonder: What would have happen if I were open to other possible relationships along the way?? When I came to this point, I told myself: No way.. Once I'm committed to a girl, I wouldn't think of other girls.. Hence, I've never regretted my decision to love her for 5 years, although the end result was a heartbreak.. To me, this is a beautiful memory that is going to stay with me.. And I think this trait of mine is also going to stay..

I think I'm saying strange things again.. Bringing up matters of the past.. Yea.. Guess I should stop now.. Going back to my dreamland again.. The only place where I'll see 'F'.. For now..

My mind is much clearer now...

My heart has seriously taken over my mind these few days.. But after getting some sound advice from Princess Winnie, I think my mind is much clearer now.. I tend to let my heart rule my mind , but this time, I need to do things more carefully.. So I need my mind to be in a state of clearness in order to do that.. To Princess Winnie: Thanks for enlightening me..

I guess I'll keep this post short for today.. I will try my best to take things one at a time.. Hopefully this will be the best solution to my problems.. Going back to my dreamland.. Yea..

Feelings.. An important part of me...

Been slacking for the past 2 days.. Decided to start on my assignments only tomorrow.. Did a lot of thinking for these 2 days.. Thought about all the feelings I have for 'F' over the last 2 months.. From the day I started developing feelings for her to this very moment.. Just made me more convinced that my feelings for her are true..

Revisited my previous posts from the day I started my blog.. Really can't help but feel a sense of achievement after seeing how my blog has evolved over the last 4 months.. This blog has become a very important part of my life, as it has recorded down the many events and feelings I went through for the last 4 months.. Glad that it is still going strong.. This blog will continue to be part of my life, as it is one of the few ways which I can express my feelings freely.. To the people who have been reading my blog: Thanks for being there to read my posts when I'm sharing my innermost feelings.. I know my posts tend to focus a lot on my feelings, but I guess that was my main purpose when I started my blog.. To those who were expecting something more sophisticated: Sorry, it's not going to happen.. To those who were there to accompany me through the ups-and-downs of my life: Thanks a lot..

Guess I'm being a little too sentimental over here.. Can't be helped.. This is me.. Don't worry.. Feelings are an important part of my life.. And I don't resent myself for being sentimental.. In fact, I'm quite glad that I'm a sentimental guy.. Cause I feel that emotions and feelings are very important in a person's life.. It is what makes life so wonderful..

Still, I can't get over 'F'.. Still at a lost as to what to do now.. Can't help thinking about her.. Yet I could not do anything at all.. Again.. This "suffocating" feeling is back.. This time stronger than ever.. How am I going to get over this?? Hopefully time will give me an answer..

Just changed the settings to my 'comments' section.. Now, ANYONE can leave their comments to my posts.. Not just registered bloggers.. Friends, if you happen to have something to say to me, feel free to leave a comment.. If you all can offer me a solution to my dilemma, please feel free to tell me through the 'comments' section..

Let me pray that time will offer me a path to lead me out of my misery, and bring me to the light at the end of this path..

1 week break..

Went to Gun Kiat's blog just now.. Saw the personality test results he posted on his blog.. Was curious what my results would be.. So I went to take the test.. Here are my results:


Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.


Well.. I guess the test was quite accurate.. The part on romance is very accurate.. However, I'm not too sure about the part that says that I'm a practical person.. I see myself as more of a dreamer.. Well, maybe being practical is a hidden part of my personality which I myself don't even know..

Today is the official start of my one week break.. I wouldn't really call it a break, cause there seems to be so many things to do.. Assignments and a lot of catching up to do.. Not to mention rehearsals.. Speaking of rehearsals, I received a surprise yesterday.. Our Chinese Society Geyong group leader, Huiqi, SMSed me yesterday.. She wanted to know if I'm interested in taking part in the performance for CEE Week on 21st September.. This really came as a surprise as I thought I was not selected.. Anyway, I wouldn't want to lose any chances of accumulating stage experience, so I decided to take part in it, even though the news came with such short notice..

Wasn't really prepared for the rehearsal yesterday.. Not sure what song I should sing.. As such they told me to sing "Jie Kou" first.. After listening to it, most of them started to give me ideas as to whose songs I should try singing.. The list of singers included Lin Zhi Xuan, Ou De Yang and even Jeff Chang.. Tried singing "Guo Huo" by Jeff Chang, since I don't really listen to Lin Zhi Xuan and Ou De Yang.. Most of them were quite shocked that I could actually reach the high notes that came with the song "Guo Huo".. Finally, they told me to try and sing "Tong Hua".. Eventually, they suggest that I should sing "Tong Hua", even though I could sing "Guo Huo" to a "decent" level.. Reason is "Guo Huo" is too old a song, while "Tong Hua" is easily recognized by people.. Well.. Guess I should try to polish up my skills in singing "Tong Hua" then, cause the song is a challenging one, especially when the song switches to a higher key..

The guys there yesterday commented that I have a uniquely high-pitched and gentle voice, so I should try to find songs that suit my voice.. I'm really grateful for such positive comments, cause I always thought that my voice is too high-pitched.. One thing I guess not a lot of people know about me is that I actually grew up listening to and singing Jeff Chang's songs.. Maybe that's why my voice is so high-pitched.. Yea..

The 1 week break may have started, but still I don't really have the holiday mood.. Maybe it's because of the many things I have to do during this week.. Hopefully I can finish all my assignments and catch up on my studies..

On to the topic that has been bothering me the most.. Can't help thinking about 'F'.. Just can't get it off my mind.. I guess I'm totally committed now.. Totally committed to an unknown future.. The worse thing now is I don't even know what I should do next.. Should I just leave things as it is now?? Or should I try asking her out again sometime this week?? Actually, I'm quite apprehensive about asking her out.. I keep thinking: Will she agree to go out with me again?? What if she doesn't agree?? Does that mean she is hinting that she's not interested in me?? Or is it something else?? What will happen after that?? All these appear in my mind whenever I think of asking her out.. But I really hope to meet up with her sometime during the 1 week break.. Really hope to know more about her..

I hope I can eventually find the answers to my numerous uncertainties.. Hopefully I can meet up with 'F' again.. And I do hope she can come and give me her moral support during my performance on 21st September.. Hopefully I'll find the answers to my feelings by then..

Coming to terms with my feelings..

Went through a lot (in terms of emotions) these few days.. Thought about the many possibilities and outcomes between me and 'F'.. Many of which are outcomes that I hope I do not have to face.. After what I've posted for the past few weeks, I guess it's quite plain obvious who 'F' is.. But I guess I'll just leave it as it is for now..

Again, I'm "suffocated" by such feelings that I have for 'F'.. Trying to ease my pain by not thinking too much.. Not an easy task, but it's something I have to do in order to make myself feel better.. This doesn't mean I have given up on 'F' though.. I've failed myself 3 years ago by letting go so easily.. Hence, I'm not going to let go of any chances so easily this time round.. I'll prove to her that my feelings for her are real.. Let's hope time can enable me to prove my feelings to her..

Not really sure how to carry on from here though.. I guess I've already hinted to her my feelings last Saturday.. Whether she got the message or not is another thing.. It appears to me that things remain the same as before.. Is it a good sign?? Or is it not?? Did she not get my hint?? Or is she trying to indirectly tell me that it's not possible between us?? Or is she just trying to avoid confronting this issue?? So many possibilities, yet no definite answer.. I'm more confused than ever.. What should I do next?? I'm really lost..

With such confusion, I decided to turn to music for solace.. Music never fails to offer me comfort during such times.. Listened to songs by Ryan Adams on my way to school today and also on my way back.. The emotions he evoke in his songs really touches me.. Can't really explain why.. It just touches me.. Really sense the feelings in his songs.. Especially "Sweet Illusions".. Wonderful..

I think I need to come to terms with my feeling.. Love cannot be forced.. I just have to accept what fate has prepared for me.. Really hope this time round fate wouldn't be so cruel to me.. But I'm not that hopeful though.. Still, I'm not going to give up so easily.. I'll give my best to make this a success.. Hopefully 'F' can help me in this.. Without her, things will never work out.. Relationship is a two-way process.. It will only turn out well if both parties feel the same way towards each other.. Please.. I really don't want another case of unrequited love.. Not when I've committed myself totally..

I guess this is what I've been feeling these few days.. Hopefully I can see the light at the end of this path soon.. Yea..

May I Love You??

Went to Swensens yesterday evening to celebrate Fang Hui, Amos and Willy's birthdays.. Had our dinner there.. After which we also ordered a birthday cake to celebrate their birthdays together.. The atmosphere there was good.. Spent some time talking over there before we left for home at around 9pm..

Found out on Monday that I did not make it through the second round of audition for the mid-autumn festival performance.. But it doesn't really matter, cause I've already expected it.. The rest of them are so good, and my performance on that day was quite erratic, forgetting the lyrics and so on.. In the end, only 3 people were selected out of the original 12.. Tough choice.. By not qualifying for it, I guess it would only make me more determined to hone my singing skills.. So I guess it's not a bad thing after all.. I'll be back.. I promise..

Now, on to the main topic for today.. Kept listening to the song "May I Love You" by Zhang Zhi Cheng.. Quite an old song, but a song that is so close to my current situation.. Go find out the lyrics to the song to see what I mean.. Really want to tell 'F' what the lyrics of the song say.. Yea.. This song is really a great reflection of what I'm feeling at the moment.. How I wish I can play the guitar and sing this song to her.. Yea.. Another one of my crazy ideas.. One of my friends asked me previously: "Why do you use 'Cloud' as your nick?" Well.. I guess this is why.. I'm just so unpredictable..

Another reason why I use 'Cloud' is because of 'Bu Jing Yun' from "Feng Yun" series.. At first glance, he seems to be an aloof and cold-blooded person.. But beneath the exterior of this man lies a heart of great passion and intensity.. And I admire him for his willingness to do almost anything for the person he love.. I guess for all those who know me, you all can actually draw some comparisons between me and him (maybe the aloof part, but not the cold-blooded part of course).. That's why I use the nick 'Cloud'..

It seems that I'm drifting away.. Yea.. Let me recollect my thoughts.. Today, I actually felt a sense of helplessness.. I'm beginning to feel a little bit of despair.. I keep thinking that I can never replace 'J1' 's position in 'F' 's heart.. And I feel that I could lose 'F' anytime.. Wondering what's going on.. Maybe it's because my inability to do my tutorials have made my confidence and morale reach an all time low.. Thus, everything seems to be affected by it.. But I don't deny the fact that I still think that 'F' will never fall for me.. Well.. I guess I should not feel this way, but I just can't help it.. I just think that I'm not good enough for her..

Guess that's what I've been feeling recently.. My mind is in a mess.. And I keep making contradictory statements.. On one hand, I tell myself that I will not give up any chances of being with 'F', but on the other hand, I feel so jaded.. I guess I'm a paradox.. I hope I can come to a solution to all these that are happening.. But I guess I'll just take my time to solve this.. Pardon me if I do anything unexpected.. Cause I'm just so unpredictable.. Just like 'Cloud'.. Yea..

My Feelings..

My feelings are going out of control again.. Especially after yesterday.. Kept thinking about 'F' every now and then.. Although it has been a day since I went out with 'F', the scenes from yesterday are still so vivid in my mind.. And I think they are going to stay there for a long, long time..

I guess my feelings are clear now.. No more doubts about that.. With this, I think I'm committing myself again.. Although commitment is an issue which I try to avoid for years now, I guess this time round, I'm ready to commit, regardless of the outcome.. I know I may end up with a broken heart again, like what happened 3 years ago, but I'm not going to let this chance slip past me.. Call me a fool if you want.. But this is me.. Yea..

Really hope to see her again soon.. Guess I'll get to see her again tomorrow.. If nothing goes wrong.. Looking forward to tomorrow.. At the mini birthday celebration my OG is organizing for her.. Yea..

It's been a long, long time since I have such feelings.. In the past 3 years, I may have fallen for other girls along the way, but this time round, the feelings I'm experiencing is just so different.. It is something beyond words.. Something I cannot explain.. If she's able to make me feel so strongly in love to commit myself again, then I guess she must really mean a lot to me.. To make me feel like committing again, it does mean something.. Although I know this might yet again be another case of unrequited love, I'm not afraid.. I really want to give my best and hope something comes out of this..

I'm going to write a song for her.. But I'm not going to rush things.. I want this song to be as perfect as possible.. Hopefully, I can use this song to win her heart one day.. Let me pray hard...

A memorable day..

Went out with 'F' just now.. Met up for a movie.. Met her at 4:30pm at Somerset MRT.. Managed to catch the movie "The Longest Yard" at Cathay Cineleisure at 5:15pm.. After the movie ended at around 7:15pm, we went for dinner at Takashimaya Shopping Centre.. Took a short walk around after that..

Bought a birthday cake for her and celebrated an early birthday for her.. Gave her a small birthday gift as well.. Left for home at around 9pm..

Although this may be a normal outing between friends for her, it actually means a lot to me.. This is actually my first time asking a girl out.. After talking to her for some time, I found out that we actually have some things in common.. And I do feel comfortable talking to her.. I've always had this problem of not being able to talk to girls, but with her, things are so different.. The feeling is just so special.. Is she the one for me?? Things are still in the early stages, so I guess I shouldn't think too deeply into this.. Let me just pray that things will go smoothly from now on.. Hopefully this time round, love will not elude me again..

Yea.. This is just like a dream.. Really feel like not waking up from this dream.. But I do have to face reality.. Let's just hope that reality is not harsh to me.. Please let me remain in my dreamland.. Yea..

Second round of audition..

Went for the second round of audition for the mid-autumn festival performance yesterday.. Had to perform a song for the audition.. Did quite a last-minute preparation for it as I only received the e-mail on Wednesday.. Decided to sing Jay Chou's version of "Ni Ze Me Lian Hua Dou Shuo Bu Qing Chu".. This song means a lot to me (see my previous post to find out why), so I hope to perform it for my audition, even though I have to memorise the lyrics in 1 day..

Felt that I did quite an ok job in memorising the lyrics.. But things didn't really go that smoothly during the audition itself.. When it was my turn to sing, I actually forgot the title of the song.. What a bad way to start.. What was worse was that I suddenly forgot the starting verse of the song.. Nevermind, I decided to sing it in my own way.. Suddenly, I forgot the whole verse when I started singing.. That was bad.. But luckily, I decided to "do a Jay Chou".. And that is to add in my own lyrics.. Managed to "smoke" through.. Hopefully.. But overall, I think my delivery of the song at the audition was one of my best to date.. The rest of the people are so good singers.. So I guess my chances of going through is quite slim.. But that's ok.. Cause it was a wonderful experience.. And I've learnt how to add my own lyrics when I forget the actual ones.. Yea..

Going out with 'F' today.. To catch a movie.. But up till now, I'm still apprehensive of last minute changes.. Let me pray hard that things will go smoothly today.. Yea..

The First Step..

Today, I took the very first step.. A very important step though.. Took this first step while listening to Jay Chou's version of "Ni Ze Me Lian Hua Dou Shuo Bu Qing Chu" on my way back today.. But nothing is confirmed yet.. Hopefully things will turn out well this Saturday.. Yea.. Between me and 'F'.. Hopefully, I don't mess things up this time round.. Let me pray hard that this would be the very crucial first step.. Yea..

Found out that I got into the secound round of audition for the mid-autumn festival performance.. Was excited that I actually got in.. Hopefully, things will go smoothly tomorrow, when I go for the second round of audition.. Even if I don't get in, I'm quite satisfied with having this chance for accumulating experience.. Yea..

Things look good for me today with the two pieces of good news mentioned above.. Hope that things would remain this way.. Yea..